Area Program Addresses Bullying Heads On

Joel Waldron believes the term "bullying" is a euphemism that simply shouldn't be used anymore.

"As a society we need to shift gears and start thinking about bullying for what it really is. It's assault. It's abuse. It's slander. And kids are dying because of this," he said.

A martial arts instructor life coach, lecturer, and consultant for Manchester High School's "Bully Busters" program, Waldron said he also has first hand experience with what it is like to be bullied, having stayed home most of his 8th grade year in school due to his fears of being bullied.

On Tuesday evening, Feb. 8 at the Manchester Memorial Hospital auditorium, in partnership with the Academy of Martial Arts and Personal Development, the Always Best Care Senior Services of Central Connecticut, Manchester Memorial Hospital, The Conscious Choice Life Coaching, and ADT Security, Waldron presented a bullying seminar that provided parents with some useful tools to help them prevent or stop bullying from happening to their children.

In his presentation, Waldron said he always applies the 80/20 rule when it comes to bullying advice.  Just as there are no absolutes in life, Waldron suggested parents take suggestions that they feel might work with their children, and set aside other suggestions if they rub them the wrong way.

"Put away your Momma Bear mentality," said Waldron, cautioning parents to resist protecting their children against every little perceived slight.

Waldron said the emotional side of bullying is often far worse than the physical and is best defined as occuring in a relationship in which there is an imbalance of power. He said typical examples of bullying can include teasing, gossip, threats, social exclusion, damage to personal property, cyber-bullying through use of current technologies, as well as causing physical harm. He added that bullying has been around for years, but the information age has brought it out into the open.

Waldron advised parents to be alert to changes in their children as a result of bullying such as sudden weight loss or weight gain, falling grades, drug and alcohol abuse and sexual activity, physical aggression, and/or thoughts of homicide or suicide.

"Parents, you have to watch for this stuff," he said.

Waldron added that bullies are most often created, and may come from abusive family situations or have poor role models as parents. Others might have anger issues that occur as a result of mistreatment or loss of a loved one, or they may suffer from a mental imbalance. "They go to school and that anger leaks out  around them," he said. "Don't look at them as bad. Look at them as broken."

Of course most bullies don't do their dirty work out in the open, and there may be times when their child claims they are being bullied, but their accusations fall into a "he-said/she-said" situation.

"If a child is being bullied, there is a good chance the bully is doing it to others," said Waldron. "It usually becomes very obvious, very quickly about what is going on," he said.

As a bullying consultant, Waldron said school officials are often ill-equipped to handle bullying problems as often they are overworked and understaffed and have a whole pile of regulations that tie their hands on what they can do. Despite that, he said it is imperative to deal with bullies effectively as statistically those children who are identified early on as bullies are five times more likely to have a serious criminal record by the time they are thirty years old.

Waldron said successful parents should do their best to raise children not to develop a victim mentality. By teaching them that it is acceptable and normal to make mistakes, by giving them age appropriate responsibilities from day one,  by setting reasonable and well-defined boundaries and being consistent in applying them, Waldron said children can develop the self confidence they need to carry themselves through life's difficulties.

"Don't overprotect your child. Let them fail and get back up," said Waldron. "Sometimes parents can't stand the thought of their child failing, but that's because to them, it's not about their child. It's about them."

Waldron said it is also important for parents to involve their children in healthy activities. While his recommendation to involve children in martial arts training sounded a bit like an unabashed plug for his studio, he also recommended other activities like scouting and volunteer activities.  "Get them involved in something that builds confidence and leadership skills without their ego running amok," he said.

"Team sports aren't what they used to be. There's too much emphasis on winning," he said, pointing to statistics that indicated boys involved in team sports have an increased likelihood to become involved in drinking and fighting. "[Team sports] don't always create the upstanding citizens we once thought they did," he said.

As for incidents of bullying at school, Waldron cautioned parents not to wait for the schools to handle the problem. He recommended talking with their children to discern if they had any role themselves in instigating the problem. "Tell them to keep their nose clean," he said.

"Don't be afraid to make a big deal," said Waldron. While he cautioned parents not to talk directly with the parents of the bully or to go to the bully directly, he said parents should seek out help from school administrators, and if they don't get satisfaction there, they should file a police report and consider contacting the media. "I'm not telling you to be adverse with schools, because you have to work with them. Don't do anything vindictively. Don't do it with rage," he said.

Waldron said the zero tolerance policy in schools that call on students not to fight back when they are in danger is simply not practical. "You have the right to protect yourself, but nothing more," he said.

Of course, cyberbullying has raised bullying to a whole new level in recent years. Waldron said parents' best defense is to keep abreast of what their children are doing on-line, and they can start by making sure any home computer is not put in a private spot (such as a bedroom) in the house.

"Know your kids' passwords. Make sure you have access to their Facebook page," he said. And if they ever receive any type of bullying emails or photographs, parents should not delete the messages, but document them immediately and call the police. "Don't wait!" he said.

Tolland Youth Services Coordinator Nancy Dunn said that youth services tries to make parents aware that that they should be watching children’s web site use and texting to make sure that they are safe. She said that one of the dangers of using the medium of the Internet is that many young people do not realize the risks of putting too much information out there for others to see.

"Anything that is negative that is transmitted via any social media, [parents] should be talking to their children about it," she said. "And saying anything that is negative isn’t acceptable."

Dunn added that one of things parents can do is whenever they see a case of social media used negatively on the news, they should bring it up with their kids and discuss it. "Parents should say they don’t view this as okay, so children know when this is not okay behavior and should bring this up to someone," she said.

A case of cyberbullying on Facebook recently caught the attention of state police at Troop C in Tolland. On Jan. 7, the East Hartford Police Department  (EHPD) reached out to Troop C to find out the welfare of a Tolland High School student, said state police. 

“The [Tolland] juvenile had a friend in East Hartford who jumped on her friend’s page and found her Facebook wall full of threats from another Tolland juvenile. That friend called EHPD, thinking she was in danger,” said State Trooper Jamie Sanders. 

Sanders went to the student’s home to find out a physical fight between the two girls had already occurred at Tolland High School the previous day. According to Sanders, the girls were suspended, and the juvenile whose friend expressed concern for her wellbeing had her computer taken away by her father.

“When they checked her Facebook page that day and saw all the threats made against her, she couldn’t believe it,” said Sanders.

According to Dunn, the girl’s friend did the right thing contacting the police. “Obviously, if there is a threat, it should be reported to the authorities,” she said. “No child, no matter how old they are, should think they have to put up with that.”

Lastly, Waldron said in his presentation, if you find your child is being bullied and you feel powerless, it is always best to get professional help.

Barbara Pascal-Gladstone, Director of Child and Adolescent Services at Manchester Memorial Hospital, said parents needs to be aware of the signs of depression in their children which may be a result of bullying. 

"A person's sense of self is not fully developed at a young age," said Pascal-Gladstone. "Bullying can take a toll on self esteem."

Pascal-Gladstone added that a professional counselor can serve as a neutral person who the child can feel safe talking to and establishing a relationship with outside of the school environment with all its associated pressures.

A number of the parents who came to the presentation said they did so to take a proactive approach and to get  an idea how to handle things should the situation ever rear its ugly head in their child's lives.

"I was bullied as a kid," said one parent, Jennifer, who felt that as a result of her childhood experiences, she might be being overprotective with her own child. "I came to this seminar because I wanted to find that balance of what I should or should not do," she said.

"It's important to step up," said Waldron, explaining that it is important for parents to set a good example by standing up for others who are being bullied or who are in need. "Don't hit your kids. Don't live vicariously through them. Most importantly, show them respect," he said.

On Wednesday, Feb. 16, 2011, Success SEPTA will host a presentation with Jo Ann Freiberg, PhD., Educational Consultant with the Bureau of Accountability and Improvement at the CT State Department of Education, entitled, “Bullying, School Climate & Character Education.”  The presentation will be held at 6:30 p.m. in the community room in the lower level of Willington Public Library located at 7 Ruby Road in Willington, Connecticut.

For more information, please email successsepta@gmail.com or call Cathy Britschock at 860-429-8333 or Sharon Corr at 860-477-0339.

Tolland Patch Editor Renée Canada contributed to this story.